Two years into birth-motherhood, I became uncomfortable with the term birthmother, and longed to find something that truly fit me as an open adoption birthmom. Of course, that is what I am, I am my daughter's mother by birth. However, I've come to see myself as much more. First, there was the term, first mother. I liked the word, and still use it here and there, but for the most part, it only described one aspect of my role in my daughter's life, just like the term birthmother had. I am more than 'first', after all, I am still there in her life, right? Then I came across the term natural mother, a term that is often misunderstood and used mostly by mothers who've relinquished in generations before. A good term, but ...didn't fit me either. Then it hit me, Lifemother. Yes, I like this word, it fits. I am a lifemother.

What's wrong with Birthmother?

After all, the "birth" in birthmother reminds me of the day in late November when I got to meet my daughter for the first time, so how can it be that bad? There are many birthmothers who are fine with the word, and some who may actually oppose the term lifemother. I respect this and think it is wonderful they have found what fits them. I wanted a word beyond birthmother that would encompass the rest of the days of my daughter's life beyond her first. I did not just give birth to her and then forget. I am not a birthing machine nor a vessel. I am her first mother, I played a very important role in her arriving on this earth. To me, lifemother says I also have a very important role today, and for the rest of her life.

I also am a firm believer that people should have the right to name themselves. If I am going to live with a term for the rest of my life, I should not have a say in what I am to be called? Look throughout history, time and time again, groups of people were re-naming themselves according to what they believed themselves to be. Native Americans, African Americans, and so on. Why shouldn't this right be extended to birthmothers?

What Lifemother means to me:

I believe that God is the creator of all life, but somehow, the term 'birthmother' did not feel right to me. I believe I did more than give birth to my daughter, so why be stuck with a label that only accredits me to giving birth? My role as the 'birth'mother in my child's life did not end at birth, but continues on to this day. My relationship with my daughter cannot be contained by a label such as birthmother, but breaks free as a special role that only I can fulfill.

Many women give birth, but is it the act of giving birth that makes us mothers? On the other side of the triad ... is it the act of signing an adoption decree that makes us mothers? No, it is the love we posses for our children that makes us mothers. That's why mothers come in many different forms. Also remember, love is a verb, an action, not a mere descriptive term. For me, lifemother goes beyond a label, it too is a verb. How so? Being a lifemother is about the 'role' I have in Emily's life. Truthfully, my daughter doesn't care what I call myself, as long as I am there.

~ 'Life' in Lifemother represents the choice I made to carry my pregnancy to term, and taking care of my expecting body.

~ 'Life' in Lifemother represents the continuous role I have in my child's life - even if my adoption was closed, I will always pray for, and think about my beloved child.

~ 'Life' in Lifemother represents the truth that my role did not end at birth, but continues for life.

~ 'Life' in Lifemother represents the truth that even though I am not a parent to my child, I will always be one of her mothers; from near or afar.

~ 'Life' in Lifemother also represents the truth that my daughter has a right to a good life, and so do I. As my daughter's lifemother, I hold hope for a promising future and rewarding life.

Lifemothers: Because a Birthmother's role does not end at "birth", but continues for life.

What Lifemother is not:

Lifemother is not about flashing around that I gave life to my daughter. Just as birthmother is not about flashing around I gave birth to my daughter. When I use the term lifemother, it isn't to brag, or to tear another down, it's about validation for myself. To say out loud, "this is a part of me, of who I am". Some say I only call myself lifemother to "make myself feel better" and to that I say ...what is wrong with that? I call myself Lifemother for me. Others may try to define me as they see fit, however, I will not live by another's definition of who I am: I am a lifemother. No one can argue or debate that away because it lies within me.

Someone once said to me, "call yourself whatever you'd like, but not at the expense of others". Point taken, but I believe there is a huge difference between "at the expense of others" and someone not liking the word because it brings up bad feelings inside of them. I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings, good or bad, except my own. I think it is great when adoptive moms call themselves "forever mother". In hearing an adoptive mom call herself forever mom does not take anything away from me; just like lifemom, I believe this term can be applied to both adoptive mom and birthmom in one way or another.

When all is said and done it is the relationship, it is the role I have in my child's life that is important. Calling myself lifemother means nothing if I do not step up to the role in which it stands for. Each time I hear the word lifemother I am reminded of the commitment that I made to my child before embarking on the path of open adoption. A commitment to answer her questions, to give her a glimpse of where and who she came from, to be an ally, an encourager, and to simply love her. Children are not the sum of one or two people who love them, but the sum of the many people who love them, and shape their lives in large and small ways. As my daughter's lifemother, I don't complicate my daughter's life, I compliment it.