Note: Names of birthfather and adoptive parents have been changed.

In the last three years I’ve told parts of my story always seeming to leave out some little detail. Maybe it’s because there are still things I haven’t forgiven myself for. So how could I possibly share and expect others not to judge me as harshly as I do myself. For the first time I’m going to tell the whole story, nothing left out, and let it become a part of my healing. I got married in 1995 when I was 18. It was great for a while then something just seemed to snap. I think it had a lot to do with losing my first pregnancy at 18 weeks along on 3/23/96. He became distant and I turned into an emotional wreck. Life was a battle just to get from one day to the next without crying, asking "why me" and feeling this awful bitterness toward other women who had their babies. "How come they can and I couldn't?"

Then the abuse started. Mildly at first. I don't think I really even noticed what has taking place in the beginning. He always said he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and if I hadn't made him so mad etc. Ok so I was quite emotional and hard to handle at times. Maybe it was my fault. I'd better change for him so he didn't get upset all the time. The abuse seemed to stop just as suddenly as it had started. But the peace wasn't meant to last. We found out I was pregnant again. Scared...oh boy was I ever! I told the dr. about losing my 1st one and she assured me that a lot of women lose one pregnancy and never lose another one. I asked if I could have an ultrasound. She said wait until 12 weeks along, you'll be able to see more, it'll be more fun that way for you guys. So at 12 weeks & 3days along hubby and I went in for the ultrasound. They have those charts on the wall that show your baby in each of the nine months of pregnancy. We looked at them while we were waiting. For as long as I live I don't think I'll ever forget what happened next.

I had been staring straight ahead, afraid to look at the screen until the tech told me everything was ok. Out of the corner of my eye I glanced at my husband. Tears in his eyes? Oh NO! I turned my head to look at him. He looks down at me, crying by this time, "It doesn't look like the picture for three months along" he said to me. Ultrasound tech tells us he'll be right back with the dr. Dr. comes in, looks, says the baby never developed beyond seven weeks, there is no heartbeat, and my body hasn't figured it out yet. That's why I hadn't been bleeding or anything. Go home wait another week and see if my body catches on so I can dispose of it naturally. (What an awful, gruesome thing to hear) Well it didn't. A d&c was done a week later 1/29/99. Tests were done to find out why I'd lost two babies. No answer was found. Try again in a few months.

After that things got worse and worse. He started drinking and using drugs. The abuse started again, as time went on it got really bad. Fourth of July weekend he hit me in the face, gave me a black eye. I left to my parent’s house to think and try to figure out what I wanted to do. We talked on the phone while I was there. He told me he was sorry, loved me, he'd never do it again, he didn't know what came over him. I believed him and went back. Later I found out he had spent the weekend having sex with my 'best friend'. All summer after that was such a nightmare. I was pregnant again. (He claimed he wanted to be a dad more than anything actions proved a lot differently) In September I started to spot. Not bad but enough so I called the dr. again. The dr. had been keeping a close watch of this pregnancy because of my history. I'd already had ultrasounds done starting when I was six weeks along. Everything had been ok. I even had pictures of my baby and had seen the little tiny heartbeat. Well it wasn't to be this time either. After I called the dr. I went directly in for an ultrasound to see if things were still ok. There was no heartbeat anymore. I was 14 weeks along 9/29/99. This was just about all I could stand. I blamed my hubby for it. If he hadn't been so abusive, if he hadn't said such cruel things, my babies would still be here. I left him and moved nine hours away to get myself straightened out, maybe even have a life that resembled something normal.

That's when Tyler's birth father came into the picture. It wasn't meant to be anything serious and I sure as heck wasn't planning on ever being pregnant again. It happened though. Funny how things come to be that are just meant to be that way. When we found out, I was pregnant, Michael was ecstatic. There was an ultrasound done around six weeks on January 11, 2000. Michael cried when he saw that little image and heard his baby’s heartbeat. Then Tyler's bfather went back to his parent’s house to live. I heard from him a couple times right after he left then nothing at all until after Tyler was born. When I was about three months along my ex and I started talking again. He was being oh so sweet to me. Telling me all the things he had before. Except this time he said we should go to counseling together, really get things worked out for sure this time. I had told him about being pregnant again. He was even nice about that while we were living apart. Told me that because of my history of miscarriages I should keep this baby (as opposed to abortion, which he later wanted and I refused). Might be my only chance to ever be a mom. He wanted me to come back. He was ok with everything. Foolish me believed him and went back. It was great for about a month. Then life became an absolute living hell for me. (Sorry for the bad language) The abuse was back again. Except this time it wasn't only me. It was my unborn child too. The names he called my baby are way beyond horrible to ever repeat in here! I was told I didn't deserve to be a mom, he hoped this "problem" would just hurry up and go away so we could forget it and go on with life.

Since I was such an awful person, he would make sure one way or another that baby was never with me. He didn't care how or what he had to do but I better make sure I didn't try to keep that 'thing' or he'd see to it that 'it' wasn't with me. Oh man now what? I could take him being mean to me, but to an innocent life that hadn't even been born yet? How in the world was I going to do this, be a mom, with all that having been said? Did he mean it? Would he really hurt this child if I tried to raise him/her? Answers to those questions were something I wasn't willing to take a chance on finding out. I had to get this little one to a safe place where he could never hurt him after he was born. That's when I started calling agencies and finally met Linn and Steve. From the moment I saw their profile I somehow knew it was meant to be them. We met when I was seven months along. I had Linn come to an ultrasound with me. She now has the pictures from that ultrasound. See for me I knew there was no changing my mind. It just wasn't an option that was open to me. So I wanted the bond for them and this baby to begin even before birth. Both of them were in the hospital with me. Linn saw Tyler come into this world, heard his 1st cry and has been the only mom to hold him. Nurses asked me if I'd like to hold him when he was born. I said no, give him to his mom (Linn). I did hold him once when he was six months old. I knew I couldn't when he was born. There would have been no walking away if I had, and for his sake I had to walk away.

After Tyler was safe, I got myself to a safe place and have since rebuilt a normal, functioning life where my ex can't hurt me anymore. I have a daughter now, Victoria Rose, born 6/21/02 that I'm parenting. But the pain he did cause me is something I'll carry with me forever. And the heartache of not having my son with me is at best unbearable. He's in my heart and head 24 hours a day, seven days a week. His parents have been really good to me through the last two yrs. I've gotten tons of pics, emails, videos, phone calls, we had one visit, and they even sent a gift for Victoria when she was born. His mom has become one of my best friends. She's seen me through some very rough spots in life, when she didn't have to. I should go now. It's taken me all day to write this between naps that Victoria takes. Lots of hugs,

Shannon

September 7, 2003

An update to the story. I’ve since heard from Tyler’s bfather asking how his son is doing and wanting to see two pictures of him. One when he was a newborn and one recent one. He also has another son now who if I am remembering right will be going on two this year. He asked me to make sure Tyler knew he has a brother. Which I will someday. His request for pictures was denied by Tyler’s adoptive parents. They stated they don’t trust him and feel uncomfortable sending him anything. The reason behind this is because he fought the adoption. He drove 9 ½ hrs one way to come to court to state he wanted to prove paternity and raise his son. At the time I was so taken in by all the garbage I was hearing that I made it impossible for him to do so. I gave my lawyer and the agency every piece of ammo they needed to keep his son from him. At the time I was proud of it, and even felt almost powerful because of it.

Now looking back I am ashamed of what I did, the major part I had in keeping a man away from his child, from keeping a child away from his family. I used to have a major problem with men who abandoned their kids. Then one comes along who wants to step up and I take that from him. I truly hope anyone who reads my story will please please learn something from it. Don’t make my same mistakes over again. Your children need you. Unless you can honestly say that you will physically hurt your child please find a way to keep that baby with you. Don’t get sucked in like I did. I felt I was doing the best for Tyler. At the time I was, and to this day still know I did what I had to at the time. Tyler never would have been safe with me. I am one of the rare cases where adoption had to happen. Once you sign those papers you are not mommy anymore. You become a stranger to your own flesh and blood. If you’re promised openness and the adoptive parents decide they don’t want it, there is nothing you can do. They have all the power and you have no way of changing it. You cannot take your child back..............EVER. Make sure before you do it. It is a very permanent thing to do.

At the present moment I don’t have contact with my son’s family. I sent them an email stating that I was moving, leaving no forwarding address with them, nor the agency and would prefer to be left alone. I’m at a point where I just don’t know how to handle an open adoption that is supposed to be for my son’s best interest but seems to be ruled by the adults feelings. I will have two girls, Victoria and the new one due October 31, 2003 to have to explain all this to. To tell them they have an older brother but can’t see him. Well they can but in pictures. I’m not sure if that’s ok with me or if it’s ok for my girls. Victoria already recognizes his picture and knows his name when she sees it. So she knows of him but may never know him as a person. It wears on me emotionally knowing each day what my other children are having to grow up with and that I am the one who did it. I still love and adore my son’s adoptive parents. I miss his mom a lot. We used to talk once a week. At the present moment this is how it needs to be. I have to figure out how to have all this in my life in a good, balanced way which will be healthy for all of my kids. Then I’ll resume contact again if his parents and I can come to an agreement that is good for all the kids.

In closing I’d like to say thank you for reading my story. I’m not for or against adoption. It’s an individual choice. What I am for is being educated on all of your choices. Make sure you know all the ways adoption is going to hurt you, your children, and your family first. If you can live with that and still honestly say that your child is in more danger being with you then proceed with adoption. I’ve lived the nightmares, heartbreak, crying, suicide attempts, hearing my son crying in my head and looking frantically for him, drugs to numb the pain, drinking myself into oblivion, being outcast from my family for my choice, being judged, looked down on, regrets, having to crawl back up from hitting rock bottom. Traveling the road of birthmom isn’t an easy one. Nothing can prepare you for it. Healing is a lifelong struggle. Healing not only yourself but everyone else touched by your single decision. There are still days I wonder why I wake up each morning only to have to do this all over again. I’ve wished to forget, to make it all go away, to be who I once was. It can’t ever happen. I now forever walk this earth a birthmom.  

Copyright © 2003 Shannon M.
 

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