I was born and raised in a strong Catholic family. Where my parents, but more my mom always lectured on the whole purity thing. I was the youngest and the last of six kids. I was also the blacksheep of the family as years went on. I did everything my parents were against. Not to get them upset but to prove that I was my own person and believed in different things. I still don’t believe that they ever caught up with recent times.

During high school I lead the typical life. I did the cheerleading, sport thing and hung out with the "in" crowd. During those years I dated a guy that was a on again off again relationship nothing serious. I went on to college and found out that at that time it wasn’t for me. I still wanted to party and be a kid. After one of my late nights out I got into a huge fight with my parents, mostly my dad. I packed my things and moved out. I moved in with one of my best friends. During all this I had met a guy named Mike. After a few moths of dating I had moved in. There was no sense for me to pay rent for a place I was barely at.

Things went fine for a few months. I worked as a waitress part time and as a C.N.A. at a nursing home. He worked at an auto part store. One regular day I had woke up and was at work when I had gotten a really weird feeling. My body was telling me to go get a test. So I went and got a EPT test and it was positive. I was in total shock. When I had told Mike he was happy and I started to get happy to. He told his parents right a way. No big shocker to them because his sister already had 2 kids out of wedlock. I'm sure my parents would be the same....WRONGO!! I for the first time did not know what to do. I had invited my mom over for dinner while mike was at his parents house. Right when I was at the sink doing the dishes she came right out and asked me if I was pregnant. It must have been that mothers intuition thing. When I told her I don’t think she could have left any faster than she did. I had completely destroyed her world.....again apparently. We didn’t talk for days. A couple weeks had passed and my older sister was flying in for Christmas from Colorado. She had come over to talk to me about this whole thing while Mike was at work. She offered to have me fly out to CO and stay with her and give up the baby for adoption. My temper went from zero to ten in about 2 seconds flat. I was so mad that she even had the nerve to bring that up. Up until then I was keeping the baby.

After she left, all I did was think about the offer. I did the pros and cons about keeping the baby, and about Mike and mines relationship. I came to a few realities. I was not in love with Mike like I always thought. We came from 2 totally different ways of life. He was almost 2 years younger than I which I was still getting used to. And he had no sense of what responsibility was. His mom did everything for him...bills and all. His parents, more his mom was way to involved in our lives which I couldn’t stand. I had no breathing room. Every where I went she was right there.

Anywho, I had thought about my money situation. I would have to work at least two jobs right after the baby. And pay the bills,rent etc. Mike in the mean time got fired from his job and was not looking for another one. I was picturing my child in daycare 5 days a week being raised by someone other than me which I hated the thought of. That is when I came to the decision that adoption was a good choice for me.

A couple days later I had told Mike I was moving out to move home with my parents to save money for the baby. He spazzed and told his psycho mother. She came down to my waitress job and made a huge scene in front of the customers and my bosses about me leaving and the baby which my bosses new nothing about neither situation. I could have kicked her butt to Kingdom Come. Wherever that is!! A few days later I was on a plane to Colorado. I had no idea what was in store for me at all.

When I got there and settled in at my sisters I immediately got a job as a manager trainee for a video rental store which eventually turned into a regional manager. It was a great job and I made some friends out of it. It kept me going.

When I was about four months I met with my social worker that was assigned to me from Catholic Charities. Her name was Megan. She and I had talked and got a feel for one another. She had asked me to fill out a profile sheet telling what I wanted in the possible parents and that kind of thing. I knew exactly what I wanted. My dad always told me I had a good eye for people who are full of it.

So a couple weeks passed or so and Megan had given me a packet of 5 different couples. When I had read my daughters parents profile I knew immediately they were the ones. Megan had arranged for a meeting between them, my sister, and myself. It was so nervewrecking. But they were great. I drilled them with questions as did they but not so many. We hit it off immediately. I knew that this couple were it. After that Megan and I communicated mostly through via phone. Time flew so fast. Before I knew it it September. I was already passed my due date by a few days. My mom had come out to be with me. She had stayed at my apartment. I know it was really hard for her to be here.

Megan had told me that Mike had been served with papers to terminate his rights and that he had 30 days to contest. She had given me a copy of the papers. He never contested.

On September 6th 1999 I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. I didn’t hold her right a way because I had gotten torn. The nurses "highly" recommended me not to hold her or name her. I "highly"recommended them to put there opinions where the sun doesn’t shine. I did hold her. I held her every second I could. I would walk down to the nursery and just hold and rock her for hours. I had named her Sarah Elizabeth. I knew that her parents were going to change her name and that was okay with me.

Megan and the parents had come up later the next day to see me and there new daughter. All I did was cry and cry. I could have filled up Niagara Falls. My emotions were just all over the place. "Bill and Joan" were so happy. I took them to the nursery so they can see there daughter while Megan and I talked in my room. I don’t think I got two words out. All I did was cry. After the parents had left I wanted to be by myself. I don’t think I ever stopped crying.

I spent the night in the nursery with Sarah. I talked to her all night long and sang her songs. I swear til' this day she knew who I was. I told her how sorry I was that I couldn’t keep her. But that she was going home to a wonderful and loving family that can give her all the love and nurturing that she needs. The next day I had said my final goodbyes to Sarah. I remember my teardrops falling down her cheeks. I walked out of that hospital without my daughter. It is still heartwrenching.

The following week I had gone down to Denver to appear in front of a judge to finally terminate my rights. All I did was cry in the courtroom. It was the worst feeling ever.

Three months later I had gotten a job as a nanny after my video store job went under. Through the nanny job I had met my now husband. He was the brother of the guy who was dating the single mom. Got it? We married about a year later. Six months since I left the hospital I went and met Sarah and her parents at a restaurant. All I did was cry. I held her and played. She looks identical to me. And most importantly she is happy and loved.

Since that first visit with Sarah my husband and I have seen her every summer since. We have 2 girls now and Sarah and my oldest play together. Sarah does know that I am her birthmommy. We all have a wonderful relationship. We communicate through email mostly. I send and receive pictures. I couldn’t ask for a better family for her. Sarah became a big sister about 2 years ago. They adopted another little girl.

As I see it, I have the best of both worlds. I have a beautiful relationship with my very first daughter and her parents. I get to see her grow in to a beautiful little girl. And I get to see the same with my 2 girls. I dream of the day that they can meet and know that they are sisters.

Lin

Firstmom to Sarah Elizabeth

Mommy to Gracie and Allie

 

Copyright © 2003 Lin Carsrud
 

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