Journey From Crisis to Peace
Author: Vivienne Smith
I’m Vivienne, 22, living in Charlotte, NC. I am a New Zealander – born and raised in kiwi-land! I moved with my parents and sister to the US when I was 14. I am a sophomore in college studying English. I want to be a writer. Besides being a student, I baby-sit regularly. I have also been a substitute teacher at my parents’ church’s preschool. I have an interview in a few days for an administrative job in an accountancy/financial firm. I hope I can be working full-time for this semester I have off.
My daughter’s name is Emma. I’m proud she has the first name I gave her, as well as very grateful to the adoptive parents. The adoption is semi-open with reports/letters/photos. I have even received two videos of her. I had one visit in May 2003 when she was almost 9 months old. I am not sure if there will be more visits.
I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant. It was January and I had just started my 2nd sophomore semester back at college after the Christmas holidays. I had returned reluctantly and hopefully because I had already suspected I was pregnant. I had even dropped hints to my mum saying how I couldn’t wait to have a baby…wondering if she was looking forward to being a nana. But the response I got was enough to remind me a child out of wedlock is not joyful – that she wanted me to be married to a good guy before that happened. I felt my only option was abortion. But how? I’d always been against it. It’s scary how fast your values can change or be swayed in frightening circumstances. I told the father, and we decided that was our only way through this. I made an appointment. After a week of agony I knew I could not do that.
I was hiding so much pain and fear from my roommate, friends, and family. I needed help and support but was too afraid to ask.
My sister was the 1st person I told. She convinced me that mum and dad would understand and help. It took a lot of guts, but I was able to tell my best friend there at Uni. She went to Wal-Mart with me to buy my 3rd pregnancy test – to be sure! Then I told my roommate. We all watched the results together. No denying it! I got the nerve to drive home and tell my parents. Somehow I thought it would be better in person. However, it wasn’t to be because my car started making an awful scraping noise – the axle had come loose! I managed to make it back to the auto mechanic where my roomie picked me up (thank goodness for cell phones!). I had to drop the news that evening by phone. The reason for the urgency was that the following day was the last day to drop classes without it affecting my grades. I wondered if I should just withdraw for the whole semester and come home, as I wasn’t sure if I’d be showing soon or what my plans were with this new life. I only knew I wanted to be home and not worrying about classes. I was already very lethargic and suffering from nausea.
The next day was very busy. I went to the Dr. to confirm my pregnancy. He prescribed prenatal vitamins. I met with the dean to formally withdraw from university. It was very shameful. Even if I had wanted to stay, they "don’t allow pregnant girls in the dorms". I was running around campus getting signatures from different people in charge. I turned in my student ID card upon request, forgetting I would be unable to swipe it for lunch in the cafeteria. I had planned on bringing my roommate and a friend home with me that weekend so I went ahead with that. I couldn't even bring myself to tell one friend that I was pregnant. I had my roommate tell her. I packed up as much stuff as I could into the car and drove home. It was good I had two friends to keep me a little distracted. So much was going through my mind. It was so weird to come home and have my parents look at me, knowing they must be seeing me in a different light now. We went bowling that night with the college group from my church. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone there so faking having fun was very hard. I was worried bowling would not be a good idea for the baby, but I was very careful.
I had to take my friends back to campus on Sunday, and I needed to pack my car with my things to come home. I also needed to stop and tell my other friends what was going on! I wrote a letter explaining why I had to leave and left a copy under each of my friend’s doors. I just couldn’t face them. I got a few calls and visits, it was just so sweet. Some of my friends I just cried with. They were so wonderful and accepting.
I also had to say goodbye to a guy I’d been seeing occasionally. It was so hard. How do you tell a guy you like that you’re pregnant with your ex’s child? So, I didn’t. I just told him I had to leave. I cried and he held me. I remember that moment vividly. That moment I had to let my thoughts of a future with him go.
Right from the start I knew my parents thought (and they made it clear) that adoption was the best option. I initially thought so, too. I eventually came across Bethany Christian Services and met with the caseworker there. After months of talking, meetings, and browsing through profiles of potential adoptive parents, I chose a couple. So many people sounded great, but I just had a certain feeling about them, so I took that as a sign from God. I wanted to set up a meeting right away, but the social worker suggested we wait. They live in another state. They have a 6 year old adopted son, also, as they are unable to have children. When I was 8 months pregnant I met with them at Bethany’s office with my parents. I believe we were there for 3 hours but it felt like half an hour! We just talked and got along well. We showed photos and she had baked cookies! I felt really good about this couple and the meeting sealed that.
However, I did go back and forth on my decision a lot during my pregnancy. I loved my baby girl (I had a feeling she was a girl all along, even though the ultra sound was not clear) and wanted to keep her and raise her so much. I sang to her, played her music, and made her my first quilt. I went up and down the baby isles, sometimes tempted enough to buy an outfit, a hat or some socks. I looked into parenting. I wanted the best for my daughter. I wanted her to be able to go to dancing lessons or music lessons if she wanted. I wanted to be able to send her to camps. I wanted her to have two parents that were married and in a Christian home. And if I was raising her, I wanted to be able to stay at home and spend as much time with her, but I would need to finish my education in order to get a good paying job and work really hard just to provide for her during that time. The father wanted to be in her life, too, which was a good and a bad thing. Our families did not really like each other, and relating to him over a child would be really stressful. I would have wanted her all to myself. Plus, I didn’t want to have to live at home and weigh down my parents with this responsibility. And I would have needed their help. I weighed the pros and cons and to my great disappointment, adoption would be best for Emma. Coming to that conclusion was so heart-wrenching, so sad, so hard. I felt so powerless. But that could not have prepared me for how I would feel in the hospital.
The father was in the hospital practically the whole time I was. It was really stressful for my family and me because he wanted to see his daughter, but I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could, and didn’t want him with me. I cherish those moments with Emma, though. I have so many great photos. She was such a beautiful baby from the start. Perfect, porcelain skin, a lovely round head, alert eyes, and a rosy mouth. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Now, just over one year later, I can see how much healing has occurred.
I feel at peace with my decision. Emma is doing so well, is so healthy and developing so beautifully. She also is a very happy baby and loves her big brother! I am blessed to have a lovely adoptive family for her that respects me and is very sensitive to my needs and feelings as a birthmother.
~ Vivienne holding Emma, May 2003
Copyright 2003 Vivienne Smith - Do not use without permission
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